They say "You cannot teach an old dog new tricks". Luckily I'm neither a dog nor old. That means I am a perfect candidate to change and become better.
What I've been noticing in my long-term relationships - I have a bit of a track record now, it's the third one in the going - is that after a while my partners become terrified of me snapping out because of what they do at home and eventually they just stop all the activities altogether.
Somehow my reaction always shows them that they are doing something terribly wrong even if all they try to do is please me by washing dishes, cooking or vacuum cleaning. Simple things around the house become the torture for them because I have my way of doing it and I want them to follow my way. There are of course a few more behavioural punishments I use to make sure they know they are in the wrong - read more in my first posts.
I admit that is a very bad pattern and I am in no position to judge other people especially the ones that really care about me. But in those moments it feels as if I become a senseless punishment robot: I get a visual of a something done differently from my - obviously perfect- way and I instantly get an impulse to react, take over and make the doer feel bad. If I do not react, I suppress all these negativity and it splashes out later on in a much larger volume.
Well, this has to stop!
I am strong enough to leave my obsessions behind, to become more holistic in how I live and kinder in how I behave. What needs to change is something within: I am my strictest judge and meanest critic, I am full of worries and fears. This creates a constant state of unsatisfaction with myself and makes me take it out on others. But I want to leave it all behind, to leave it in 2018.
I believe that I can change. It will not be easy. But I will learn to let it go, to love myself and be kind to people who are near me. Through love and understanding, I will become a better version of myself.
This is my New Year Resolution for 2019! Happy New Year, friends and supporters!
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